In Sickness and in Health…or Just in Sickness?
I read a statistic recently that stated the divorce rate is 75% where a chronic illness is present in either the husband or wife. This statistic originates from the National Health Interview Survey and is found all over the internet and beyond.
Frankly, those results scare the hell out of me! Clearly, when “in sickness and in health” turns into just sickness, the stress on the marriage is enormous.
Of course, when we marry, we are bleary eyed and naive and never think about things like that. We will always be blissfully in love and nothing will ever change that…then in roars chronic illness.
At that point, the chronic nature of the illness rewrites the script of your relationship. Roles change and plans for the future fall by the wayside. Every aspect of your marriage is effected: work and finances, chores, social life and sex are all different. Nothing looks the way it started out and the stress upon the marriage becomes overwhelming.
I met my husband while on vacation in Jamaica, several months after the suicide of my 1st husband. The last thing I was looking for was a relationship. But…I fell hard and fast, I was so madly in love and knew immediately that I had just met the man of my dreams, the person that I would spend many happy years with. There were several wonderful years, and then everything changed.
Don’t get me wrong, my husband still loves me dearly, as I do him, however, the stress on our marriage can no longer be hidden. We never fought, not ever, and people would jokingly state that our marriage made them “sick” as we were always lovingly gazing at each other and never would a cruel word leave our lips.
My husband states that he understands, and always bends over backward to try and help me with absolutely everything. The problem is however, his entire focus is me and doing all that he can for me, all the time.
This approach has simply just worn him ragged, he is beyond exhausted in every way and I feel guilty…very guilty. I tell him very often that he should leave and find someone else to spend his life with, someone healthy. My intent is not a cruel one, simply that I love him and want him to live a normal life, one without all this extra stress and heartache. He gets very angry when I say that. I simply just feel that he did not “sign on for this” and being stuck with a sick wife is just not fair.
My husband has been coping fairly well, up until recently that is. Now, his stress level has peaked to the point where we are at risk for ending up as part of that 75% divorce rate statistic. He has tried to do it all, taking up the slack for me and he simply can not do it anymore. There needs to be better coping strategies put in place so that he can continue to cope and I can find a way to not feel so guilty for the extra stress put upon him.
I have searched long and hard for methods to cope and have found a couple of things so far. This article and this one. [Editor Note: Also see How A Woman with Illness Can Romance Her Husband and When Your Wife is Ill and Romance Ain't Happening ]
Above and beyond that–I think perhaps couples counseling may be helpful too. I have a hard time accepting and coping myself, but for my husband, he needs just as much, if not more support than I do. Here’s to all the loving caregivers out there that do their very best to be supportive spouses to their ill partners!
Journey Through Thyroidlessness, Workplace Injury & Chronic Pain is the blogging home of “lost Butterfly” who says, “I am a recently disabled nurse, looking to make writing my primary career.”
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Hello, not to do you one better but my spouse and I both have chronic illnesses. We were both sick going into the marriage, but we were married two months when I got Rheumatoid Arthritis. We have been married for over six years and have just gotten sicker, especially, after our three-year-old was born. No or little income, sickness and the stress of being chronically ill parents have put a huge strain on our marriage. Sometimes, I wonder if we can make it.
For your husband, I can recommend http://www.wellspouse.org. But I have never found anything out there when both spouses are sick.
The best of luck from one who understands,
Emily
Oh Wow, I am so very sorry that both you and your spouse are ill. Simply-I can not imagine and have no idea how we would ever cope with both of us ill. It must be so difficult-my heart truly goes out to you both. ____Actually that is one of my greatest fears-that he become ill-even acutely-would make life too difficult ot cope with. I will certainly keep you in my thoughts and prayers that you are both able to stay as well as possible and cope with such a tough situation.____Take care,__Jeannette
It *is* scary. Especially when you're right in the middle of it and knowing how it effects your relationship. I really do believe we're going to make it, but only because neither of us is ever going to be willing to give up. I see a therapist regularly, and it has been very helpful when my husband has come for joint sessions. I think marriage is constant work anyway, but even more so when you have the challenge of chronic illness to contend with.
I am so sorry that you are going through the same thing-truly I would not wish it upon anyone. It is just too hard. You are correct though-marriage is constant work anyway, however to add in the extra stress of an ill partner is sometimes just too much. I won't lie- I am scared-some days my husband seems to do ok-others, I know the extra stress is too much for him and I wonder how much more he can take. Bottom line, It is simply a really tough way to live and is very hard on a marriage.