“I Just Want To Help!” When People Comment On Your Illness

by Lisa Copen

We may find ourselves shocked to find out just how much we are the on the prayers of loved ones who are a part of our inner circle. They may actually be concerned about us more than we realize in regard to our health. So when they say hurtful things we are left wondering about their intent.

We can do our best to rise above the hurt feelings we experience set us back emotionally. We see that we need to and recognize the concern in their hearts.

There are moments, the “wounds from a friend can be trusted” (Proverbs 27:6). This is because the remarks are truly made out of ignorance. Our loved ones are trying to say something that will get across their love. Their opinions, however, just come out in a way that at times ends up sounding all wrong.

In 1993 when I was 24 and diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis my life changed rapidly. Those individuals at my church and people at my job felt no reluctance in telling me their opinions about my chronic illness

As a 24-year-old young woman, living over a thousand miles away from the place I grew up, the decisions I was forced into making about the treatment choices felt serious and overwhelming. I meticulously poured through brochures and paperwork researching medications, therapies and alternative treatments.

I went out of my way to see specialized doctors, such as rheumatologists. I looked closely at different medications and their instant side effects, alongside the long-term outcomes of deciding not to use certain drugs.

The variety of advice from people who knew nothing about my chronic condition felt like a personal attack against my level of common sense. I know that may sound that I lacked grace, but. . . that is how it felt. My head said to myself “The audacity!’

I must admit, of those who casually shared ignorant statements, it is those that had their opinions about my genuineness of my faith that hurt the most.

Have you experienced what Proverbs 18:2 says is a friend that “finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions”?

When I was first diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, seeking examples from others who had traveled this unexpected road, I researched the inspiring autobiographies of Christians who who had endured physically suffering, Joni Eareckson Tada and Dave Dravecky.

They have, and still are, hearing the similar remarks and even insults, that I heard. I grasped onto the promise that our Father was the only one who truly saw my heart.

If people I did not know were able to tell these leaders in the ministry of suffering about how they came up short in having enough faith to be completely be given the gift of healing, what caused me to imagine that I was exempt from similar criticisms and skepticism? If for a moment you are wondering if something is not right with you since people suggest that you are deficient in faith to be healed, know what? You are not alone.

In addition, I’ve heard some rather derogatory remarks, and it is always difficult to simply smile and say, “I appreciate your concern, but I do not actually agree.”

Many times it feels as though everyone who is well, desires me to be in a ministry for those who are healed or a ministry that focuses on how to “get people healed” by discovering a secret formula that they believe God uses.

To be frank, I just do not have that passion for a healing ministry. Many of those already are out there. And I would rejoice at being healed, but the zeal that God has called my heart is a calling to serve where people are today– usually, still ill. I want to meet people wherever they are before they been healed. I want to be a part of in a ministry that stands by them if healing doesn’t comes on on their days on earth.

Through the Christian nonprofit I started in 1996, Rest Ministries, for people who live with chronic illness I have been blessed to have the opportunity to exhibit and speak to many audiences, including those on pastoral staff and hospital visitation teams, as well as those living with chronic pain. At every event, however, I am at risk of hearing, “If you had enough faith you would experience healing.”

Often people observe the table of our resources and books and then exclaim, “This is wonderful, but you should try ‘fill-in-the-blank-alternative-treatment-here,’ and then God would heal you, and then that could be your new ministry!”

In some strange way, though I still to get upset with the limitations and a generation of my disease, I am just beginning to understand the Bible verse 1 Peter 4:13. It speaks of considering it “pure joy to suffer for Christ.” If this means that I will have to “walk the walk” (or someday wheel?), then I will do so.

And I am not alone in this regard. You may find many people with chronic illnesses claim that though they are not especially “happy” about their limitations they have found that life is filled with deeper friendships and meaning due to the suffering they have experienced.

Yes. . . I hate pain! And I get tired of it. God does give us grace and endurance to get through another 24 hours. He also provided the Israelites manna so they could live one more day, solely depending on Him. I confess, like the Israelites, I have my moments I want to complain, “L-o-o-r-d, I’m tired of the manna!”

One will realize in time, however, that as she grows closer to the Lord the things people say will become less important and they will slip off of us much easier than we once fathomed. Although it can feel as though people are intentionally trying to say things that hurt, most often the pain they cause is not even known to them. Grow close to God and your faith in man will decrease and the emotions won’t be so painful.

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and National Invisible Chronic illness Awareness Week, as well as the author of Why Can’t I Make People Understand? Lisa explains in her book “Why Can’t I Make People Understand?” more ways to get past the need for friends to empathize. Discover it today so your life can be overflow with joy, not frustration.
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