Can You Still Be Friends If They Think You Are Faking Your Illness?
by Lisa Copen
If you have an invisible chronic illness you may discover that the invisibility factor of the illness can be much more of a challenge than the physical changes your body is undergoing. Most people who are diagnosed with an illness sooner or later accept the illness as being a part of life. In order to have a life filled with joy, one must educate one’s self on the illness and that treatment options available, and then make choices.
But we have no control over our loved ones when they choose not to accept our illness, or sometimes even acknowledge it. Their skepticism can last a lifetime and damage our self-worth and many relationships.
So, what you do when someone important in your life refuses to acknowledge the seriousness of your disease, or accept that the disease even exists? Here are four steps to change your actions and attitudes:
1. Go with it. Though the seriousness of your illness is significant under your roof, it isn’t that important to others. And there’s no magical conversation you can have with the person that will make him change his mind. The most likely way your friend will accept that your illness is real, is by observing you. For example, your invisible illness may begin to have some visible side effects. When he sees you struggle to get up out of a chair, don’t comment; just let him take it all in.
2. Grow with it. This situation can be a perfect time to reflect on your own perceptions of people. Have you ever stood in line at the bank and thought yourself, “No one here understands how difficult it is to just stand in this slow line!” But nearly 1 in two people in the USA have a chronic illness, so the chances are high that someone standing beside you does understand. Remember that 96% of illnesses are invisible, so watch your assumptions. What situations are your friends going through that you don’t fully grasp? The affair of a spouse, a baby born with a disability, and the loss of a job, are all experiences that can alter one’s life in an instant. Chances are that your friends can use your support and even empathy.
3. Get over it. It is easy to obsess over the fact that no one understands what your daily chronic pain is like. Save yourself a lot of grief and don’t do it. We would all like a loved one to be able to slip inside are skin for twenty-four hours, but this level of understanding of our disease will never occur. If you began to resent people who don’t understand, soon all your friendships will be tainted. Do not take a friend’s lack of empathy personally, even though it feels personal. You cannot change someone’s mind; you can only control your own behavior, so make certain you have conversations that you won’t regret.
4. Get on with it. Life is precious and short and no material things in your life can replace friends and family. It is true that the intimacy level in your relationship will not ever be high if your illness is not at least believed to exist. But if you still want a relationship, and it’s a healthy one in other ways, it can happen.
The odds are, at some point in your friend’s life, a health issue will occur and suddenly he will have a glimpse into what your life is like. Allow him to feel comfortable coming to you for support and encouragement and don’t use the opportunity to say, “I told you so.”
Go with it. Grow with it. Get over it. Get on with it.
Is it possible to have relationships with people who don’t understand the seriousness of your illness? Yes. Accept him for what he is able to give, and know when to back off if the relationship becomes destructive to your emotional state. Have reasonable expectations. In time, this may end up being one of your closest friendships.
Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and National Invisible Chronic illness Awareness Week, as well as the author of Why Can’t I Make People Understand? Chronic illness doesn’t have to be depressing! Subscribe to receive daily emailed encouragement from the largest Christian outreach for people with illness. Don’t miss Rest Ministries great books and gifts we’ve selected for people coping with illness.
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Awesome column , I’m going to spend more time researching this topic