The Battle with The Mirror When Living with an Invisible Illness Even I Cannot “See”

By: Jamee Tyree Miller

You know there are times where the inside just does not match the outside. If you have ever watch What Not to Wear (I love me some Stacy & Clinton), on just about every episode you hear them say that they want the beauty on the outside to match the beauty on the inside. So they work and change and fluff the participant until she (and sometimes he) feels as lovely and confident about their outside as they do their inside. Their lovely $5000 new wardrobe shines as brightly as their personality. You’ve got to love a happy ending.

But what if you have the reverse problem? What if you could wish that your insides looked as good as the outside? After my diagnosis, I was so happy to find Butyoudontlooksick.com. Finally to find that someone else had heard that phrase as much as I had!

If I had a dollar for every time I heard, “But you look great/happy/healthy/etc” after honestly answering the dreaded question, “How are you today?” I would be a millionaire and living on an exotic island somewhere. You can only hear it so many times before you just begin lying and saying “Fine” and moving on.

I even sat in class once and we had a visiting speaker who shared about faith and health and he made the statement that everyone in class was healthy as we were all able to sit in class, yada, yada, yada (I’m not sure what he said after that because I was really fighting the urge to throw the stapler at his head).

So while others are trying to figure out how to get their hair/clothes/etc to reflect whats on the inside, I’m trying to figure out if it is ever possible to make my insides catch up with my outsides. I finally found a hair cut and color that I adore. Weight loss has helped me feel more comfortable shopping for clothes. And I’m finally starting to get a handle on my “style.” So while its nice to hear “You look fabulous,” I just wish I could answer, “Thanks and you know what, I FEEL fabulous.”

Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn’t just stay frumpy so that its more “believable” that I’m sick. Maybe add some extra light powder so I look extra pale and leave my hair a hot mess. Maybe then I won’t get the funny looks (followed by eye rolls on occasion) when I explain why I can’t do x, y, or z because I’m in pain or nauseated or you can fill in the blank.

But I’ve come to a point where I’m not ok with that. This post by Stephanie, a guest writer at BYDLS, “Confessions of an Unapologetic High-Maintenance Spoonie” gave me a boost in confidence that even though I’m a “spoonie” and my insides don’t quite add up to my rockin’ outsides, that its okay to be above the frump–even if it means getting the side-eye everyone once in a while. One day that may be true. I may feel as good on the inside as I do on the outside.

I’m still holding out hope for a cure (well, a cause first then a cure). There may be battles with the mirror but in the end I’ve won the war. I am more than my illness. So in the meantime, I’m rockin’ a new ‘do and some new jeans (and maybe some heels one day!).

Jamee is a wife, a mom and a follower of Christ. She says, “I am also a warrior battling multiple chronic illnesses. In life, I have learned that sometimes things happen and life doesn’t always go back to the way things were. Instead, you must find a new kind of normal. ” Read her blog A New Kind of Normal.

Note from Lisa: We’ve all felt the way Jamee describes above. If you need a smile watch this popular video going around the internet of a little girl giving herself some affirmations!

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